


heather

by goldenthunderstorms



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Beards (Relationships), Can't write a modern mercy fic without Percy being a FATM stan, Coming Out, Florence + the Machine References, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I Wrote This While Listening to Conan Gray's Music, I swear Percy isn't straight, I was told this is pure angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, Inspired by a Conan Gray Song, Jealous Monty, Jealousy, Just Bear With Me, M/M, Modern Era, Percy Newton is in denial, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Sadness, Sorry Johanna, Sweaters, Title from a Conan Gray Song, You Decide, but I think there's some fluff there, light fluff, ya know the usual warnings for gents guide fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenthunderstorms/pseuds/goldenthunderstorms
Summary: Felicity is silent for a minute. “I didn’t think Percy was straight.”I bark out a surprised laugh. “Me neither, honestly.” I was never really sure where Percy stood on stuff like that. He’s never told me about liking anyone, boy or girl. I wasn’t sure if Percy liked guys but I guess I always expected him to because him having a girlfriend surprises more than I would like to admit. And it freaks me out. A little. I thought that maybe if Percy likes guys, I would have a chance but if he’s straight…I want to know what I did to deserve falling in love with my straight best friend.Monty has been in love with his best friend for some time now. Though he isn't sure where Percy stands on things like that, he's been holding out hope that someday he and Percy can be together. But those hopes are dashed when Percy gets a girlfriend and doesn't even tell Monty.(a one-shot inspired by Conan Gray's song Heather)
Relationships: Felicity Montague & Henry "Monty" Montague, Henry "Monty" Montague & Percy Newton, Henry "Monty" Montague/Percy Newton, Johanna Hoffman & Felicity Montague, Percy Newton & Johanna Hoffman
Comments: 16
Kudos: 71





	heather

**Author's Note:**

> hello there! I'm back with another non-challenge fic!  
> this fic is inspired by Conan Gray's song Heather so I would recommend listening to it while you read!  
> lots of pining, lots of angst  
> enjoy!

It’s so  _ fucking  _ cold. I could freeze to death out here. I’m not sure I would be against that honestly. But it’s just my luck for it to start snowing as soon as I come outside. It’s not snowing hard, thankfully, but any snow is cold when you’re outside in nothing but sweatpants, a t-shirt, and slippers. I’m not going back inside, though. It’s not worth that.

I rub my arms. How long until I can go back in? Maybe when he goes to bed in a few hours?

A few hours is a long time out here. I briefly consider going to hide in the greenhouse but I don’t want to be spotted, so I stay in my place against the wall.

“Aren’t you freezing?”

My head snaps up. Percy is standing over me, frowning. “It’s a bit chilly,” I say.

I forgot Percy told me he was coming over tonight. I always tell him to come around the back through the servants’ entrance. The less my parents see of him, the better. Though I can hardly see him, bundled up as he is. He has on at least three layers (I’m assuming) with a scarf around his neck and a beanie forced over his unruly curls. I know it’s cold but it’s not  _ that  _ cold. Percy just doesn’t handle the cold well. He claims that it’s because he was born in the Caribbean but I call bullshit because he’s been living here since he was less than two months old.

“Why are you sitting out here?” he asks.

“Just came out to enjoy the weather.”

“In your pajamas?” Percy asks, eyebrows raised.  
I nod.

Percy offers a hand to me and I take it. He pulls me onto my feet. “Jesus, you’re freezing.” He takes both of my hands in his and frowns again. Then, he shrugs off his sweater (which he has over a hoodie and probably another shirt or two) and hands it to me.

“You sure you won’t freeze to death without it?”

“Not any faster than you will. Put it on.”

I take it and pull it on. It’s big because Percy has at least six inches on me, but that just makes it warmer. It’s one I recognize; one of Percy’s favorites, well-loved with worn spots at the wrists. Percy always rubs at his wrists when he’s nervous, which is a lot. He pulls me into a hug, rubbing my sides.

“I’d be surprised if you don’t have hypothermia. You’re shaking. Can you even feel your hands?”

“Not really,” I mumble, though I don’t think he can hear me. I’m pressing my face into his chest, trying to absorb all the body heat that I can. This is much better. I could stay here for hours, even if I wasn’t frozen half to death.

“Wanna go somewhere?” Percy asks softly. “Get you out of the house for a bit?”

I think that’s a fantastic idea. I think I would go anywhere Percy takes me. I think if my father hadn’t taken my keys, I probably would have already driven into a ravine.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Percy leads me to his car down the street. He turns up the heater as soon as we get in and it’s such a relief to feel my fingers again.

“Is it too cold for ice cream?” Percy asks.

“Is it ever? I’ll thaw out.”

Percy nods and drives us to Sonic which makes me glad because I look something short of a mess. I’m barefoot now because my slippers got so wet in the snow.

Percy orders milkshakes (he doesn’t even have to ask what I want). We sit in the drive-in for a long time, alternating between talking and silence, listening to the music he has playing. He’s had the same Florence + The Machine album playing for the past month. It’s distinctly more depressing than the others (which I hate that I notice, but I do).

I look over at Percy. He’s slurping down the last of his milkshake and looking at something on his phone. His beanie slid off and his curls have sprung out again, framing his face. He’s at ease, humming so low that I almost can’t hear him. My heart does funny things when he hums. It’s always the little things about Percy that drive me absolutely crazy. His nervous tics, his affinity for CDs (even though his car has Bluetooth), his humming when he thinks no one can hear, how he gets embarrassed if you catch him humming or singing, how he gets so obviously lost in music sometimes, how easy he is to sneak up on, how he only makes dirty jokes once in a blue moon but he’s  _ so good  _ at them, how he can make anyone smile no matter how awful their day has been. 

He catches me watching him. “What?” he asks, a confused half-smile on his face.

“Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. “Spaced out. It’s been a long day.”

“Want me to take you home?”

I look at the clock, weighing my odds. “I…think so.” It’s past ten. My father should be too tired to bother me by now.

Percy nods and starts to back out of the parking spot. He drives me home. When we stop, he stares at me for a second like he’s going to say something. But then he just says, “See you tomorrow.”

“See you,” I say, getting out. I’m almost to the backyard when I remember I’m wearing Percy’s sweater. I run back to his car just before he’s about to pull out. Percy rolls down a window. “Your sweater! Do you—”

Percy waves a hand dismissively. “Give it back to me later. Looks better on you anyway,” he says, then drives away before I can figure out how the hell I’m supposed to feel about  _ that _ .

I sneak back inside through the back door and creep upstairs. The light in my parents’ room is off so I think I’m safe.

I slip silently into my room and kick off the wet slippers. I consider changing but my clothes are fine and Percy’s sweater…well, it’s soft and it smells like him. I think I’ll keep it on for the night.

But I can’t go to bed yet. I realize that tomorrow is Friday and we have a science test. I think it’s why Percy was originally coming over before he found me hiding from my father. Percy is good at science and he’ll be alright without the night of studying but I don’t want to fail another science test so I wrap myself up in blankets and Percy’s sweater and start studying.

I wear Percy’s sweater to school the next day. I plan on giving it back, only wearing it until he takes it because I really don’t want to give it back, but he never asks for it. So, I keep wearing it. It’s a little plain for my taste but most of Percy’s wardrobe is. It’s still warm and soft and smells like him.

The science test goes well, I think. Percy said it was easy so I think I’ll pass alright. Science is my second to last class before French which I’m marginally better at, thanks to my father’s habit of slipping into French when he’s angry.

After French, I go looking for Percy. He’s my ride home because my father still has my keys (asshole). I do find him, talking to Johanna Hoffman. Weird.

Johanna is Felicity’s best friend. She’s two grades below us so that’s really all I know about her. Well, I also know that her mom is quite the scandal. She allegedly left Johanna’s father without a trace, but that’s the kind of gossip you hear at my parents’ high society parties, not the kind you hear at school.

Johanna is talking animatedly, grinning. Percy is nodding and smiling, rubbing at his wrists. Just as I’m walking over, Johanna hugs Percy and walks off.

“What was that about?” I ask.

Percy jumps. “Jesus, don’t sneak up on me,” he says, though he doesn’t look at me.

“Sorry, darling.” I bump his shoulder with mine. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Percy says, still not looking at me. Something is off with him. I’m not sure what, but something is. I think it has something to do with Johanna.

I don’t see much of Percy that weekend. I check up on him once or twice to make sure he’s alive and didn’t have a seizure or something, but he’s very vague. He assures me he’s fine, though, so I don’t push. I know there are times when I nearly fall off the grid, so I can’t really hound Percy about it.

By Sunday, we haven’t talked much but that’s okay. I'm still trying desperately to pull up my science grade. My father said that if I do, I can have my keys back. So I got an extra credit research paper assigned by my teacher, and while I would really rather run naked through the woods pursued by my father’s hunting dogs, I’m managing. I’m curled up in bed wearing Percy’s sweater again (it doesn’t really smell like him anymore and I really should give it back) and nursing wine I snuck from the kitchen in one of those plastic souvenir cups (definitely not my first choice but it’s inconspicuous). The wine is barely getting me through.

As soon as I start fighting off a headache from staring at my laptop for so long, Felicity busts into my room and induces an entirely different one.

“So you and Percy  _ haven’t  _ been secretly dating this whole time?”

I frown, setting my cup on my bedside table. “I’m sorry?”

Felicity pauses and seems to study me. When she notices what I’m wearing she asks, “Oh no, did you two break up?”

“Felicity, what are you talking about?”

“I thought you two had been dating all this time! But now that he’s dating Johanna—”

“I’m sorry,  _ what?” _

Felicity stops. “Did you not know about that?” she asks, gaping.

“He’s dating  _ Johanna _ ? Hoffman?” I ask. Felicity nods. “Since when?”

“Friday. She asked him out and they went on a date and I guess it was good because apparently now they’re an item?”

Oh.  _ That’s  _ what Johanna wanted on Friday. Why didn’t Percy tell me?

Why does this hurt so much?

Something must change in my face because Felicity winces. “I figured you already knew. Johanna’s been mooning about Percy all weekend.” She stops and seems to study me again. “You’re not happy about this, are you?”

I study Felicity right back. I’ve never exactly told her that I have feelings for Percy, but my bisexuality is no secret, and Felicity has teased me a few times about there being  _ something  _ with Percy. Finally, though, I decide that’s not a subject I want to get into tonight and say, “Well, I’m not  _ happy  _ that he didn’t tell me. But no, Felicity, we haven’t been dating all this time so…”

“Oh,” Felicity says.

“Yeah,” I say. I take a sip from my cup. “Was that all?”

Felicity is silent for a minute. “I didn’t think Percy was straight.”

I bark out a surprised laugh. “Me neither, honestly.” I was never really sure where Percy stood on stuff like that. He’s never told me about liking anyone, boy or girl. I wasn’t sure if Percy liked guys but I guess I always expected him to because him having a girlfriend surprises more than I would like to admit. And it freaks me out. A little. I thought that maybe if Percy likes guys, I would have a chance but if he’s straight…

I want to know what I did to deserve falling in love with my straight best friend.

Monday, I bring Percy’s sweater to school but I don’t wear it. It’s time he gets it back.

At first, I can’t find him by my locker, which is weird. Though Percy is my ride home lately, he doesn’t want to wake up early enough in the mornings to come get me for school (which is fair) so I ride the bus here and usually, he’s here when I get here. But today he’s not.

Alright. That’s fine. I don’t  _ need  _ Percy. If he wants to spend his mornings with his new girlfriend, that’s more than fine.

I get the things I need for my morning classes and slide onto the ground, waiting for the bell to ring. Sitting on the ground by yourself makes you look a lot more pathetic than sitting on the ground with someone else, but I won’t be bothered by it.

Okay, maybe I’m a little bothered by it. I keep looking up and looking around for Percy. Eventually, I spot him. He’s turning the corner with Johanna and Felicity is third-wheeling.

I stand and turn to face my locker so I don’t have to make eye-contact with him. If Percy wants to talk to me, he has to initiate it.

He does.

“Hey, Monty,” he says.

I slam shut my locker that I just opened and turn to him. “Is there a reason you didn’t  _ tell me _ ?” Not what I was planning to say, but I’m going with it.

“What?” Percy asks, physically taken aback.

“Is there a reason you didn’t tell me about your new girlfriend?” I demand.

“I didn’t know you knew about that,” Percy says quietly.

I scoff. “Yeah, my  _ little sister _ knew before I did.”

“Well, she is Johanna’s best friend—”

“And you’re mine, Perce!” Jesus, does he actually look  _ surprised _ right now? Did he think I just wasn’t going to find out? “But I guess I’m not even important enough to keep updated, huh?”

“I-I just…forgot to tell you?” He says it like a question.

“Really? I’m that forgettable?”

Percy starts to backtrack. “Wait, no, Monty, that’s not what I—”

“Forget it, Perce. Take your fucking sweater.” I shove the sweater into his arms, which he takes because he seems stunned into silence. Then, I’m literally saved by the bell. “I’ll see you later, okay?” Without giving him time to answer, I storm off. I have to storm fast because Percy and I have the same class first period, but thankfully we don’t sit next to each other (never thought I’d say that).

I’m just so mad at him. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me about Johanna and—okay, I’ll admit it—I’m jealous. Percy has the  _ nerve  _ to cuddle me all the time, give me his sweater, let me call him darling, and then be  _ straight _ !

Ridiculousness.

And here I am, the fool who fell in love with him.

By lunch, I’ve decided that as pissed as I am, I can’t stay mad at Percy forever. I’m sure that he’ll apologize and I’ll say it’s fine and I can still eat lunch with him because I’m weak and pathetic and he’s my only friend. I find Percy in the cafeteria and I stop. Percy is sitting next to Johanna and Johanna is wearing his sweater.

Ouch.

They’re both talking, smiling. The sweater isn’t as big on Johanna as it was on me. She looks good in it. I can see why he likes her, I guess. Does he like her? I didn’t even know Percy knew Johanna as more than Felicity’s friend. But surely he likes her. Percy isn’t like me. He wouldn’t date someone unless he had actual feelings for them. I just don’t get it.

Johanna catches sight of me and smiles, trying to wave me over. Percy starts to turn and I realize that I can’t do this. I can’t sit there with Percy and his new ray-of-fucking-sunshine girlfriend and act like it doesn’t break my heart. I turn on my heel and leave the cafeteria, deciding that it’s fine to starve today.

I take shelter in the drama room for the rest of lunch, which only further cements my status as weak and pathetic, but alas. If my choice is to be weak and pathetic or pretend to be happy that the person I’m in love with has a girlfriend, I’ll be weak and pathetic.

Percy and I manage to avoid each other for four days. Friday morning, he corners me before first period.

“Look, I’m tired of doing this,” Percy says.

“Doing what, darling?” I ask, not looking away from my locker.

“Avoiding each other!” Percy takes me by the arm and turns me so I face him. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t realize it would be such a problem but I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I don’t like fighting with you.” He’s rubbing at his wrists so I take his hands in mine. Then, I realize that straight guys with girlfriends probably don’t do that and let go.

“Well, if you can start, you know, telling your best friend about important shit in your life, then I’ll get over it.” I’m staring at his hands. I don’t want to see his face about what I just did. I don’t want him to see my face because he can read me like a picture book and he can tell if something is off. I really am over him not telling me but I’m definitely  _ not _ over the fact that it happened.

“Thank you,” Percy says, sounding relieved.

So we settle into a new normal. Johanna wants Percy to eat lunch with her since they don’t get to see each other much in school so he does and so do I. Of course, this usually puts me next to my sister which goes about as well as anyone would expect, but it’s fine. It’s all fine.

I want to hate Johanna, I really do. I want to hate her for taking away Percy (or at the very least, taking my hopes of a relationship with Percy) but she’s so hard to hate. She’s such a sweetheart. It’s even harder to figure out how she and my stickler of a sister are best friends, but they seem to get along rather well. But maybe Johanna just gets along well with everyone. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like her and that really makes it all worse. Her and Percy…I won’t say that they’re perfect for each other because you almost can’t tell they’re dating. But if Johanna is somehow the person that Percy spends the rest of his life with, I think she would make him happy.

Percy seems like a very hands-off boyfriend with Johanna. He never initiates contact. We don’t talk about her much. He doesn’t say anything special to her that I’ve ever heard. He’s just nice. I would say that maybe that’s just how he is, but Percy has been more affectionate with me than he is with Johanna. Then again, we’ve been best friends all our lives and he and Johanna haven’t been dating for long.

Johanna doesn’t seem bothered by how slow Percy takes it, though. She completely fawns over Percy. Her eyes light up when she sees him and she’s always grabbing his arm or his hand and smiling at him. So it’s no surprise that when my parents throw their annual Christmas party a week later for all of their high society friends and their teenage kids, Johanna brings Percy as her “date” (even though he would’ve been there with me anyway).

Still, they show up at the same time, looking all smiley and parent-pleasing. I think they coordinated for his shirt to match the cardigan she’s wearing and I can’t decide if that’s cute or makes me want to puke. Maybe both. I don’t even get to tease Percy about it because he never tears himself away from Johanna. I see him and talk to him a few times but Johanna is always pulling him away to talk to someone. She’s not being pushy, but she’s like a big puppy. She wants to greet  _ everyone _ . 

Felicity, understandably, doesn’t appreciate this much either.

“Why did your best friend have to steal mine?” she demands when we end up hugging the same wall.

I shrug. “No clue, but I’m ready for her to give him back. Doesn’t she already know everyone here?”

“Yeah, but I guess she wants to introduce Percy as her boyfriend or something?”

“Or something,” I say. We’re both watching them across the room. Johanna kisses Percy’s cheek and he smiles.

Jesus Christ. I’ve spent this entire party without my best friend and I’ve had to watch him act like a newlywed couple with his girlfriend. I’m pretty over it.

I don’t usually flirt at my parents’ parties because there aren’t many places to go where my parents or their staff might not find me, but I’m bored and lonely and haven’t even been able to sneak anything to drink because my father is always near the drinks. Thankfully, Richard is here. Richard is an asshole but he’s cute and painfully repressed but  _ very  _ gay. I’m the only person he hooks up with because I couldn’t out him if I wanted to, given all that he knows about me. It’s a dysfunctional relationship at best but it’s not much of a relationship in the first place. Either way, Richard and I run in the same circles at parties so, when there’s no one else to find a backroom with, there’s always Richard.

So, twenty minutes after making tense conversation with him, I meet Richard in the greenhouse. It’s still damn cold out here, though the greenhouse is a little warmer. But that won’t really be a problem for long.

My shower after the party is long and hot. I know Felicity is going to pester me to get out soon but I can’t be bothered. I miss Percy and I’m tired and  _ sore _ . Richard was rough with me tonight and the cold doesn’t do well for muscles. It wasn’t even worth it. My body  _ hurts  _ and I know for a fact I’m bruised, though I haven’t bothered inspecting to see where all of them are. I know I have fingerprints on my hips.

Jesus, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being the third choice behind closed doors. I’m tired of loving people who will never want me.

People. Fine, loving Percy. I’m tired of loving Percy.

There’s banging on the wall (Felicity’s room is adjacent to the bathroom). I finally turn off the shower and step out. I put on my pajamas and go to my room, flipping off Felicity as I pass in the hallway, which she returns. I check my phone and find I have two texts from Percy.

**So I’m outside**

**Like in my car but outside**

**I guess you’re showering but when you’re done can I meet you in the back?**

Huh. Usually, Percy does just stay the night after parties, but I couldn’t find him when this one started winding down so I figured he went somewhere with Johanna. I send him a text telling him I’m going downstairs and sneak to the back door. My parents are asleep. The staff are milling around cleaning, though they turn a blind eye to this sort of thing.

When I get to the back door, there’s Percy, still in his semi-formal clothes. His hair is disheveled and he looks like he’s been crying.

“You look like a mess,” I say.

Percy smiles but it’s obvious he isn’t feeling it. He’s rubbing his wrists.

“Come on.” I let him inside and we go upstairs. I give Percy a shirt he left here before and he ditches his formal shirt and pants for that shirt and his boxers. We’re silent for a few minutes, sitting on my bed. Then, I notice he’s still rubbing at his wrists, almost erratically, and I ask, “You okay, Perce?”

“Uh, I need to tell you something,” he says.

I can’t stand it anymore so I reach out and take his hands in mine, Johanna be damned. I squeeze his hands and he looks up at me. “What’s up? Have you been crying?”

Percy takes a deep breath. “Well, Johanna and I broke up.”

Oh.  _ That didn’t last long _ . “Oh, I’m sorr—”

“Wait, I’m not done.” Percy pauses. “I’m not really upset about that because…because I’m gay.” He’s looking at me like he’s afraid of what I’ll say. I almost laugh because really? He thinks  _ I  _ would be upset about it? If anything, I’m glad. I have a  _ chance _ .

But that’s not what I should be focused on right now.

“That’s cool, Perce,” I say. “I’m glad you told me.”

I practically feel the tension melt out of Percy’s body. He smiles. “I don’t know why I was so nervous to tell you.”

“Well, you know I’m not homophobic,” I say. Percy laughs a little. I came out to Percy when we were fourteen, but he’s known that I like boys since we were twelve. I just didn’t have words for it then. “Is that why you and Johanna broke up?”

“Yeah,” Percy sighs. “I didn’t tell her that but… I guess I thought maybe I just hadn’t met the right girl yet but I just  _ do not  _ like girls. Johanna’s nice but I couldn’t drag her along like that. I told her she was nice but it just wasn’t working and I didn’t want to string her along. I think she suspected, though.”

I shrug. “We all had suspicions.”

Percy gives me a look  _ “We?” _

“Okay, I did,” I admit. He laughs again. “But it’s not a big deal if you don’t want it to be.”

“I don’t,” Percy says with a heavy sigh. “It freaked me out a little, honestly.”

“What, being gay?”

“Yeah. I don’t know; it was kind of scary, I guess.”

I understand that to some degree. I remember being scared when I realized I like boys, thinking something was wrong with me.

“I don’t know what my dad is going to say.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

Percy shrugs. “Dunno,” he says. “Not tonight, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Percy leans forward, resting his head on my shoulder. “It’s been a long day.”

I laugh mirthlessly. “Yeah, it has.” Instinctively, my hand goes to Percy’s hair. Percy relaxes even more at my touch and it makes me smile. This is how it should be, me and him. And maybe it can be more, someday soon.

Percy wraps his arms around my waist, hugging close to me. I wonder if he can hear how fast my heart is beating. Cuddling obviously isn’t new for us, but it feels more weighted now. “Where’d you disappear to tonight?”

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Hmm, I probably don’t.” He squeezes me. “Remind me to ask you about it tomorrow when I have the energy to be disappointed in you.”

“Sure thing, Perce.”

Percy nods and I can tell he’s dozing off. I lean back onto my pillows, shift Percy to put his head on my chest, and pull the covers over us.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Johanna,” Percy mumbles. “I guess I just wasn’t that excited about it. You know you’re like, the most important person in the world to me, right?”

God, take me now. I can die in peace. I love Percy so much it leaves me gasping sometimes. I look at him and think,  _ If I have to love anyone, at least it’s him. At least he’s the most amazing person I know and, even if I told him how I feel and he didn’t reciprocate, he wouldn’t hold it against me. At least he loves me, if not in the way that I want him to _ . I almost tell him how I feel, right here, right now. But I shouldn’t because I don’t think Percy’s even completely to terms with his sexuality. I don’t want to make that worse.

So instead, I say, “I know. And you’re my best friend, and no one matters more to me than you do.”


End file.
